A Nurse with a Gun

Thursday, January 01, 2009

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well," said the physician, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were shivering. They proved once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron,"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns to his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.



Blogger Keith Walker said...

Those are nice! Happy New Year!

1:01 AM  
Blogger Geoff said...

So two muffins were baking in an oven. One exclaims, "Wow it's hot in here." The other replies, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

1:09 AM  
Anonymous USCitizen said...

That was so bad it was almost good.

Happy New Year!

1:39 AM  
Anonymous Tommy Paine IX said...

A race of carnivorous apes of the family Hylobatidae were recently discovered living beneath San Francisco. They were previously unknown because they hibernate for most of the year, and then run amok on the winter solstice to prey on the local humans. Fortunately, we don't have to worry about this menace spreading to other cities because Yule Gibbons only eat fruits and nuts...

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Jack said...

Happy New Year!

1:59 AM  
Blogger Tirno said...

And thus, my New Year's Resolution: to learn to play the Star Spangled banner on the bagpipes.

Or at least, on a set of technopipes.

3:40 AM  
Anonymous ditto said...


Happy New Year!

7:00 AM  
Blogger Divemedic said...

A church hires a man to sound the church bell, which has not sounded in over ten years because the mechanism is broken. The new employee has an unusual method: he runs full speed, face first, into the bell.

This goes on for twenty years, until one day, a gust of wind causes the man to lose his footing, and he falls from the steeple to his death.

A crowd gathers, and the priest feels bad for never even learning the man's name. He asks the assembled crowd if anyone knows the man's name.

One replies: "I don't remember his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Arrrrrgh! Those are horrible!
Happy New Year, too.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Geoffrey said...

Divemedic -

A year later, a man approaches the pastor claiming to be brother of the fallen employee and that he would like to sound the bell in remembrance of his twenty years of service.
The church agrees and he climbs to the top of the tower where he charges head first into the bell. Alas, he rebounds from the impact and falls to his death far below.
Once again a crowd gathers and someone asks if anyone knew him.
The pastor shook his head, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

10:30 PM  
Anonymous TV Installation Perth said...

Very impressive blog that can make a person laugh or inspired. I was enjoyed reading the first sentence that’s all about love so cute. I just have in my mind immediately that the two persons were surely working as an installer of an antenna thing. They might be TV installation Perth probably.

8:34 AM  

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