A Nurse with a Gun

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Adventures of The Myspace Ninja

Well I went on another patrol that was somewhat interesting. I apologize for not updating all of you. I got a lot on my plate as of late (a new Shakeys buffet opened up and I have to up the patrols!) with the war on terror, the war on drugs, and the war on crime. As a CCWer it is my duty to continue the fight no matter what the odds and no matter what I may face. You all know what I am talking about.

Anyways I was on patrol at the local mall when the following incident happened. I was in the parking lot sitting in my pickup truck listening to my police scanner. I noticed a car driving by playing rap music. I immediately took notice of the perpetrators in the car as they stopped to let a young woman get out at the curb. 2 Black males, one with a Kobe Bryant basketball jersey, the other was wearing a Ricky Williams jersey and a baseball hat. I could not see anything else as they were in the car but I had my CCW senses going crazy. I figured they were packing Lorcins and probably Hi-points. The female was waiting at the entrance to the mall smoking a cigarette. It probably had marijuana knowing how these young punks are.

So I decided to enter the mall. I figured I would check it out to make sure that the local sheeple are ok as it was my duty as a sheepdog. I chamber checked my six Glocks and proceeded to leave the vehicle. I was ready for almost anything. I knew that if the need arose I could double-time it out to my truck and get my Barrett .50 up and running in case I needed to make some tactical shots at terrorists who were using cover. I also had a nice Bushmaster with all the tactical accessories in the trunk and my 870 to back that up. Don't worry I have all my bases covered.

So I was in the mall and I decided to head straight to the food court. I needed to eat something so that I could maintain my hyper awareness. I got myself a slice of pizza, a value meal from A&W Root-beer, and a milkshake from the ice cream parlor in the mall. As I sipped my peanut-butter and chocolate malt I was headed over to the pretzel stand on the other end of the mall. As I was walking there I noticed a jihadi pretending to sell cellular phone accessories. I was watching him using those sunglasses that have mirrors in the lenses. I was pretending to look at Zippos in another booth. He reached underneath the kiosk and I was on him.

I drew a Glock 22 on him and aimed at his head. "Drop it Johnny Jihad! CCWer on the premises. You don't want to try it. I am tactically trained and have over 10 hours of intense training!"

"Please sir! Please don't shoot! I was just going to get some…"

"Shut up terrorist scum! I don't want to hear it." I pulled out my cell phone and called up the local LEOs. I told them that they should send Department of Homeland Security agents to apprehend the dangerous terrorist. I pulled out a flexicuff and cuffed him. Mall security approached me and I flashed them my CCW badge. That visibly relaxed them and I told them I would continue my patrol. I asked them if they were armed and they said no. Stupid democrats must own the mall. I told them to be careful and to make sure that this Al Qaeda member here did not get away. I was going to hit the street again.

I made my way back into my routine patrol and started walking. I passed the Gap, the local freak shop (Hot Topic) and the cd store. When I noticed the gangsta thugs form the parking lot looking at rap cds. I decided that I would watch them and switched my awareness level from condition yellow to orange. They were probably planning their next liquor store hold up or gang robbery. But little did they know that a CCWer was onto them. I parked myself behind the country music racks and watched them. I was fumbling for a candy bar out of my pocket (I might need that quick energy boost) when I saw one of them put his hands into his wallet. It was time for me to act!!!

I jumped out from behind the counter drawing a Glock 22 out from my waistline. I leveled it at his COM. I told him to take his hands slowly out of his pockets and put them over his head. He feigned a look of shock. I didn't fall for it as I knew I was right and that this thug probably had some cheap pocket pistol and he was getting ready to pull it.

He slowly pulled out his hands and I saw that they were empty. I slowly made my way towards him. I called out and told the kid working the counter to have mall security and have them page any other CCWers over the intercom. I wanted backup quick!!! And then to have mall security contact law enforcement. Luckily another CCWer was over in the food court enjoying some Chinese food. He rushed over here as quickly as possible. He had his gun drawn and assumed a tactical pose. His Sig 228 covered the bad guy while I cuffed him. My arms were tired from keeping my Glock trained on him while I waited for my CCWer brothers and sisters to come and back me up. I moved into bad breath distance so that I could cuff the gangsta thug lowlife democrat.

Suddenly he spun around and tried to sucker punch me. Little did he know that I had taken a weekend seminar at the local gun range on close quarter's battle. I moved as quickly as my 350 lb. frame would allow me to move and I threw a palm strike like my CQB (Close Quarters Combat) instructor taught us in the weekend seminar. I never realized that it would save my life. His swing hit me in the belly but luckily he was not strong enough to harm me. My palm strike caught him in the nose and he went down like the football size burrito I ate last night, QUICKLY!

I quickly flexicuffed him and ordered the other CCWer to secure the scene. I drew and continued to do OODA loops. I was observing the area and going to check the scene. I figured I would check the stock room in the back and make sure no democratic constituents AKA thugs were hiding to jump some employee and make off with the nights till. The door to the backroom was locked. I called out to the employee by the register. I said I needed his key to the backroom. A look of puzzlement crossed his face. I pulled the CCW badge I wear on my chain out (it's like the one Denzel Washington had in "Training Day") and told him "CCWer. I am ordering you to open this door so I can secure the scene. Got it kid?!?!" using my drill instructor voice. I learned to talk like that from my CCW instructor.

The kid said something about not shooting him and handed me a key. I unlocked the door and told him to stand back as I may have to go tactical and I didn't want him to get hurt.

I kicked the door open and entered the room. I saw no one and noticed that the emergency exit was open. I tactically made my way to the exit and started to slice the pie (it's a technical term Navy SEALs use, I read about it in a book). I heard the police sirens outside and there were a lot of them. My backup was here! But still I could not rest as a CCWer I have taken it upon myself to make sure that the neighborhood is secure.

I told the kid to call 911 on the phone and to inform LE that a CCWer was on the scene and to be careful. I don't want to get shot by some cop with a few hours of firearms training.

I made my way down the hall with my pistol at a low ready incase some punk kid or mall ninja jumps around the corner. I don't want to shoot an innocent person. It would not stand with my Republican values and my Christian beliefs. I continued on until I came out of the hallway to the door that leads back into the regular part of the mall where everyone is allowed.

I decided that I would have to holster my Glock because it might scare the sheeple. I don't understand why a well trained sheepdog like me scares them but nonetheless it terrifies them. I walked out and entered condition yellow but was ready to jump into condition orange at any given moment. (I once entered condition orange 37 times in an hour!!!) I started walking on watching the people around me and being ready for anything. The weight of the six Glock .40 caliber pistols was reassuring. I knew that whatever happened I should be able to deal with it. I started walking back towards my truck when I saw something frightening. A whole gang of illegal immigrants were running towards the exit. I figured they thought Immigration was coming due to all the sirens and lights outside. My backup (the local PD) came rolling in hard. Anyways I watched them run out the door and started to follow them. They hopped into a nice BMW truck. The youngest of them, a little boy of about 4, was getting put into a high chair when I rushed in behind them. The gang leader (a woman of about 34) started screaming when she saw me and my Glock. All the little gang members (they looked like kids but I figured this illegal immigrant was having them shoplift and then selling the items for profit cause that is what gangs do) started screaming and crying. I called the LEOs over and they looked at me. The older more experienced one started frowning when he saw me. I figure it was because I had made more paperwork for him. As a CCWer I did not have to do paperwork just protect the community and the country.

"I caught this illegal immigrant gang. They started running when they saw me. She probably thought my CCW badge was one for INS and my NRA hat was a LE symbol. Anyways the perps our in custody so it all worked out well. I caught them trying to exit into their personal vehicle. I was going to move in and affect an arrest when you boys got here. You all can have the credit for this. I need to get back to my patrol."

His dumbfounded stare disappeared. It was replaced by rage, or was that jealousy? "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you realize how much trouble you caused? I should arrest you. We will protect the people of this little community. You can go home and think about life. Ask yourself "Why do I need six guns? Am I normal? Should I consider thinking about what happens when I go on patrol? How many innocent people get hurt? What about their rights? Who…" he was in mid sentence when I cut him off.

"Listen bro. I am a CCW permit holder. I might not have the same badge but I have the same duty. I took an oath similar to the one you took about protecting the country from all enemies foreign and domestic. I do whatever I can to ensure that people are safe. I could never stand idly by when I see someone getting hurt. I won't stand for it. Edmund Burke said "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing," and I took that to heart. I will never stand by when I see common criminals and terrorists walking the streets. I think about everyone everyday when I strap my Glocks on. Just like you do. I think about the fact that I may have to take a life. That the person I kill maybe a mothers son, a daughters father, a democrats constituent, and that they are a criminal. Do you got that? Now I am off to finish my patrol."

"Your crazy and should not have a gun!!! I am going to call my chief and see if we can get your permit revoked!!! You're freaking nuts!!!"

"MOLON LABE!!! MOLON !!! That's Greek for come and get them. I am a free man and will never give them up. From my COLD DEAD HANDS!!! Myself and other CCWers are like the Spartans and you democrats are like the Persians. Go watch 300; maybe you will learn some goddamn history!!!"

And with that I walked off. I made my way back to my truck and started her up. I needed some food to recharge myself. I called up a few CCWers and asked them to meet me at the local burrito shop. I was going to meet 3 others there.

I drove there used my defensive driving skills to make sure that I was tactically able to escape should a jihadi try to bomb the car in front of me or if some gangbangers rolled up along side me looking for a fight. When I got there I saw some of my CCW brothers. I chamber checked my Glocks. I noticed that all of them was chamberchecking their gun before getting out of their trucks. I realized that our CCW instructor prepared us well for the harsh world we would encounter on the street.

We got out and first thing I did was make my way over to Billy Bob. He is a good ol' boy from the town south of me. He is 5'4" and 325 lbs. of CCW tacticalness. He carries a few different guns and loves knives. He took four different level 3 knife fighting classes from different instructors and has the largest knife fighting DVD collection I have ever seen. He and his brother could have been the inspiration for the movie "The Hunted" with Tommy Lee Jones. They were amazing when it came to anything knife related. They once simulated an entire Steven Seagal knife fight scene when we were over cleaning our CCW guns and talking about guns.

His brother, Ricky Bobby, was 6'3" and 160 lbs soaking wet. He carried 4 Colt 1911A1 pistols. He wore a Keltec pistol around his neck. He had a necklace made for it from Comp-Tac. He was also pretty handy with the knife as well but not nearly as proficient as his brother. HE often duct-taped a Sebenza to his back and covered up the pommel with his long mullet. It was rumored that he pretended to disarm and took out a whole platoon of Iraqi insurgent suicide bombers during a CCW training exercise using the knife taped to his back.

And finally there was Cleetus. He was 5'11" and a small 300 lbs. He was an army Green Beret sniper. I believed him because he told me after showing me his rifle. He was very proficient with a Remington 700. When I asked him about some of his missions he told me that if he revealed anything to me he would be revealing classified information. I figured I would not risk national security and international stability to satisfy my own curiosity. He wore camo everywhere and today was no exception. He often carried an HK USPc like he did on some of his special operations.

We went inside and started to eat. Everyone getting their 3 burritos except little Ricky Bobby. A few horchatas and some fried ice cream for dessert. It was nice to slip into condition white. Well we took turns. One of us would constantly be alert and in condition yellow so that the others could relax. It is like that when you start to look at warriors like us. Someone must always be vigilant. I used to joke that we should have one of us stand sentry when the other went to the restroom.

But we finished up and were planning on whose house would host the next party we had in honor of "24" when Billy Bob, who was in condition yellow, noticed the van outside. Inside was a bunch of gangbangers. I heard him call out a warning. He said "Threat at my eleven o clock!" And he drew his pistols. He started firing and we all were back into action.

We started laying down suppressive fire and we regrouped behind the overturned tables. We had started to coordinate our tactics. We did this after watching a few episodes of "The Shield" where the Strike team performed a few raids on houses. I realized we should so I scheduled some time for tactical movement in teams. We slowly made our way towards the van and cleared it. Gunfire was erupting all around us. Billy Bob caught one in the chest but luckily his bullet proof vest stopped it. I started returning fire and I tagged one of the gangstas. He fell over and I started scanning for threats.

We were like a highly trained military unit. Rounds were flying everywhere but the threats were being eliminated. Ricky Bobby double-tapped one of them and dropped him in the street. The Lorcin in his hand fell to the ground. I started scanning for more threats and did a tactical reload. I was going to pull out one of my Glock 23s but felt that I should reload everything to utmost capacity while I had the chance. All of us started moving in tactical pairs and covering the entire street.

"Anyone got commo?!" Cleetus yelled out.

"I got backup on the phone. They are coming soon. The dispatcher said the sheriff's office is sending the cavalry ASAP. We just need to hold the fort down for a few minutes!" Ricky Bobby called out.

A quick burst of gunfire from around of the corners sent us diving for cover. I raised my Glock 22 and started moving up. I figured if some sheeple was trapped there I could never forgive myself if I didn't help them. I saw the illegal immigrant thug start reloading his gun. It was a Glock. He probably stole it off the body of a cop he murdered. I started trading fire with him and I caught him in the shoulder. I then made my move and used the Mozambique drill.

"You won't be voting democrat again!!! Stupid moronic liberal criminal!!!" I yelled as I ran to cover. My brother CCWers covered me as I took cover behind a fire hydrant. I dropped the mag on my Glock and saw that I had only 7 shots left. I figured it would be a good time to recharge the magazine so I dropped it out. Gunfire started erupting around me and I had not refreshed my gun. Time for a New York style reload.

I pulled a Glock 23 and started scanning the area. I heard bursts of gunfire from behind me and I heard rounds ricocheting off of the cars trunk. There was a gunman behind a Honda Civic 4 car down. He was gangsta firing at me with his Hi-Point turned sideways. Suddenly his gun jammed and I made my move.

I tactically crouched and huddled down and advanced on him while my fellow CCWers kept firing on him and scanning for other threats. I rushed up on him and found him fiddling with his pistol. His gun had a FTE and I yelled "Drop it homey! CCWer HERE!" and I pulled out my CCW badge, "You don't want to try it homey. I have over 10 hours of intense CCW training!"

"I sorry man! Please no shoot me!" the little Illegal Immigrant Democrat constituent gangbanger whined.

I kicked the pistol out of his hand and called out "Threat Neutralized! Tango is secure!" like we did when we play Xbox Live and at out local airsoft matches.

The air was filled with the smell of gunpowder. Brass lay everywhere in the parking lot. Cars had bullet holes in them and the enemy dead was littered everywhere. The democratic party would probably lose this counties election due to the loss of hteir constituents. In the distance police sirens were screaming. Just like the cops to get here after a CCWer has saved the day and lives of innocent people everywhere. Children are now free to walk the streets. Rest assured America, that there are armed people like me everyday who walk the streets and that we are protecting the United States from the terrorist threat, from the threat of illegal immigrants, from the gangs that run the streets, from the sex offenders, the murderers, the pimps, the rapists, and most importantly the democrats who would ursurp our freedom for the Communists.

Well I am off for another patrol. I just wanted to share a recent experience and hope that you all can learn from my example. Stay safe and watch your 6. There are badguys everywhere!

Vote Republican and write your senators about the new Assault Weapons Ban!



Blogger ColtCCO said...

That's awesome, Xavier. You really got this Mall Ninja thing down pat.


if you're not careful, I'll put you on that page ;)


11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF????? If that guy wasn't so funny, he'd be real scary. But, I suppose there really are people like that. And that REALLY scares me.

12:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Myspace Ninja, or Mall Ninja? Hmmmmm.

12:53 AM  
Blogger red said...

nothing beats starting the day off with a laugh!

7:16 AM  
Blogger krylonultraflat said...

Two things:

1. everyone who owns a gun regularly sees people like this at the range. Young, old, smart, or stupid, they bought a gun and suddenly got drunk with visions of every action move they've ever seen and went out and bought all black clothing.
2. People who have never been exposed to responsible gun owners (i.e. urban liberals) assume every gun owner is like this. They see the guy shooting another guy on a bus story, not the youth winning a national shooting competition story, and begin making assumptions.

I really appreciate what you're doing here. You're admitting that while there is solidarity in the gun owner community for respect of ownership, there are still very, very stupid people out in the world. A healthy debate over gun laws would take this into account. Unfortunately it does not.

I don't keep my guns loaded at home (more likely someone will steal the gun than I will catch a burglar) and I myself have no permit. I don't feel comfortable with the added responsibility it would bring and don't feel it necessary. Furthermore, without proper training, it would only escalate the situation to something I had even less control over. But as you've said before, many people live their lives without ever facing a potentially deadly situation. I suppose I'm running risks, but I would far rather do that then take a life unnecessarily.

For more "people doing stupid things with guns," see Jalopnik's Road Range Roundup. Nothing but scary stories there:

Keep up the good work.

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


That's funny right there.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll want those neurons returned to me, clean. dude, that was horrible.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Porta's Cat said...

Mmmm....Shakeys Pizza.....

8:51 AM  
Blogger Caleb said...

Oh my god, he actually updated his blog.

If you're interested in seeing his Myspace page, it's out there. Before I deleted my account, I would pray regularly that he would update.

Now, here's what I wonder. Is this guy just indulging his fantasy life, or are his pieces satirical against the "gunstore commando" culture?

9:06 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Too funny. Unfortunately, I read this at work and I had to be condition yellow all the time. In case a customer came in, I wanted to look like I was actually working.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Keith Walker said...

Fallacy: Straw Man

Description of Straw Man
The Straw Man fallacy is committed when a person simply ignores a person's actual position and substitutes a distorted, exaggerated or misrepresented version of that position. This sort of "reasoning" has the following pattern:

Person A has position X.
Person B presents position Y (which is a distorted version of X).
Person B attacks position Y.
Therefore X is false/incorrect/flawed.
This sort of "reasoning" is fallacious because attacking a distorted version of a position simply does not constitute an attack on the position itself. One might as well expect an attack on a poor drawing of a person to hurt the person.

Examples of straw man can be found at http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/straw-man.html

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that made my head hurt.... Pretty damn funny though.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um? Xavier, did your site get hacked?

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Xav--
I check your website every day because you've got good stuff, but today--calm down!
A little sarcasm goes a long way.
You are right to be scornful of the Rambo-lite wannabes. But...
I've heard of EMTs who fumble and bumble, firemen who sit on their hands if the homeowner is 10 feet outside the city limits, LEOs who go overboard on citations.
So any group can be mocked.
The sad thing is: Some folks might not want to be tarred with the brush you've wielded, so decide to leave their one weapon home, just in case someone "makes" them and points the finger of scorn.
Example: You've made me wonder if I'm overdoing it when I pack my pistol driving my wife to school--maybe I'm being paranoid and should only carry when being accosted is more likely.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a sick sick man LOL

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does the Ward Nurse know you broke into the meds cabinet?

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

+1, Keith

Self-indulgent mockery like this would be great if the whole country allowed concealed carry without a permit.

Unfortunately, the 2nd Amendment will probably be deleted in 2008 or shortly thereafter--either that or it will die a death of a thousand cuts by being regulated into meaninglessness and paralysis.

Then we'll look back on blog entries like this and say, "Gee whiz, why did we sit around throwing verbal tomatoes at each other instead of staying focused on defeating the enemy (the Democratic party, which accounts for about 90% of all gun haters)?"

Pointless, fake "good writing" . . . juvenile and not funny.

The writer of that entry mocks the very vigilance that would have prevented the people of New Orleans from being victimized both by the cops and the thugs.

Some folks learn the hard way.

Some don't learn.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Matt G said...

I'm... speechless.

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lighten up, guys. That was one of the funniest things I've ever read. The writer certainly knows his stuff (everything is so "tactical").

One sure way not to recruit new folks to the firearms fold is to take oneself too seriously. It used to be cocky know-it-all old-timers sitting behind the counter of the local elite gun store.

Now it's wanna-be redneck ninjas who read a Jeff Cooper book and think they're him (God rest his soul).

Shooters need to smarten up and realize we're living in a world where stealth and cunning win the PR battles upon which culture wars are won and lost. Misplaced self-righteous anger does nothing to enlighten those sitting on the fence and only serves as a turn-off...

1:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


LOL!!! I love this post!! If you ever see anyone in your town like this, call 911, and GET OUT OF THE NIEBORHOOD(Talking to anyone who will listen) Great post.


3:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was pretty funny. I enjoyed it.

But it did sort of make me a tiny bit embarrased to be a CCW holder. :-(

Me and a buddy of mine joke at each other that we're gun toting loonies even though we rarely have a loaded weapon anywhere near us (firearms are just a hobby for us). This bit of satire sort of took some of the joke out of it. Ho-hum.

But it was funny.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Y'know, if this wasn't so true and I wasn't guilty of some of it,.....I'd really be offended,....the truth hurts sometimes.

1:01 AM  

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