Ugly Gun Sunday

Halloween was a couple of nights ago, and all ghouls, zombies and assorted fiends should have retreated back to their liars for another hibernation, but alas, some have not. Some continue to walk among us. Some even go to Grandma's house for Christmas. I don't understand the gothic/vampire fetish that some people have. It seems to be a step further away from reality than most other counter culture fixations.

I am quite aware that some people take this stuff seriously. Hell, I had to be called in to the hospital one night because a "vampire" was laying in his casket sharpening his teeth with the file on his toenail clippers. The file broke off, and he swallowed it. I suppose he could have transmogrified into a shark, after all, sharks swallow all kinds of stuff. Instead, he experienced a jolt of reality and drove his Toyota to the emergency room to have us sedate him (versed works great on creatures of the night) and send an gastroscope down his gullet to retrieve the source of his concerns. Needless to say, a delusional idiot starting a chain of events that culminated in waking me up in the middle of the night did not enhance my appreciation of the gothic culture.

Even so, I try not to have a knee jerk reaction when I see my favorite pistol absurdly customized. Let's examine the "Vampyre Slayer." Even the fantasy aspect does not hold water. Aren't vampires best dispatched with wooden stakes and sunlight? The chrome spike on the mainspring housing will do wonders in stopping a reload after the 10 mm copper jacketed hollowpoints in the magazines fail to stop Count Dracula. The Celtic cross engraved on the grip will be covered with the hand and will repel no blood sucking monsters. The spike on the recoil spring plug is just as non-functional. The casket shaped case is just silliness.

The laser engraving, reminiscent of prison tattoo art, is just the kind of stuff a jury will be influenced by if this pistol is ever used in self defense. Of course, the same gunsmith also makes the "Judge and Jury" brace of pistols, the "Widowmaker" Smith & Wesson 1006, and the "Death Dealer" 1911. The fact that such creations are being made implies there is a market for them.

I understand the argument that these are fantasy creations, but if that is the case, let them fire fantasy ammunition. In a lethal encounter, any gun at hand may be used in the struggle to save one's life, regardless of the liability or consequences afterwards. I, for one, would never want a prosecuting attorney holding this pistol in front of a jury after a defensive shooting. If these are fantasy creations, then they are toys. Let them be toys, not guns.

As a defensive firearm this pistol is prejudicial. Aesthetically, it fails. As a fantasy gun for rampaging bloodsuckers, according to the vampire legend........ Fail. Failure in execution, failure in concept. Failure on many levels. Failure at this level is ugly. Of course if you have a trust fund for nonconformist tripe, the Vampyre Slayer might be just the pistol for you. I suppose it is great for showing your nonconformist friends how cool you really are.