A Nurse with a Gun

Saturday, February 07, 2009


Mudbugs. Gumbo. Daddy was talking some good eating as Cassie and I huddled together in the back of the Jeep. We bounced around for a while, and when Daddy let us out, we could smell a lot of new chow in the air, and it was spicy. My nose started to water. Little Darling put a purple and green collar on Cassie, and Daddy put a green ball collar on me.

Cassie and I looked at each other and I told her I didn't know what to think. I didn't. I couldn't help the kid. There were people everywhere, and dogs wearing all kinds of weird stuff. I'm talking some weird stuff here pups! All yellow and green and purple. It was some kind of carnival.

I knew I had to look well informed so Cassie wouldn't get scared. So, I pulled Daddy to a hydrant to ask for water. Daddy turned it on for me, and I lapped up the refreshing hydration, and I told Cassie "See, it's OK, I found water........." But Cassie wasn't there!
Oh my Kibbles! I had lost my sister, and there were so many humans and dogs hanging around with spicy smoke making my nose all watery that I didn't know where she was! This could get serious real quick! She's not familiar with the way around here, and she's just a puppy yet!

I went up to this old looking dog that was wearing a wizard's cape and pleaded, "Please Mr. Wizard, can you make my sister poof up here?" The old dog didn't speak English. He just started yapping and yipping, and seemed to be all full of himself. I decided I had better pull Daddy along and try to find Cassie myself.

I thought I saw her tail go around a purple sparkly box, and I barked for her to come back. I pulled Daddy over to the box, it was really a weird car with a band of dauschunds on top. They all started yapping at me. I asked their lead singer if he had seen my sister.

"Whuz she look like?" he asked.

"She's yellow and curly, kind of floppy and goofy," I said.

"I ain't seen her dude," said the black band leader.

"Yeah, he ain't seen nuthin'!" laughed another wiener, "He's Ray Charles!" They all started laughing and yipping uproariously.

That pissed me right off. I'm not a dude. If I would have been a dude, I would have watered their tire. Instead I told them to just choke on their Alpo. They were lip syncing their music as bad as Milli Vanilli anyway.

"Ma'am, you looking for someone?" I heard a dog growl behind me....... I turned around to reply and...... What the heck?

"Dog! What happened to you?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Did the car you were chasing slam on it's brakes or something?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Nothing. Does that hurt?"

"Whaddaya mean? You lookin' for trouble?"

"No, I just want to find my sister, she's lost somewhere around here."

"Whaddashe look like?"

"She's got a yellow nose.... I mean coat, I mean hair, and she's flippy floppy goofy."

"If I see her I'll let you know, I could tell you were looking for someone......."

"Really? How?"

"Ummmm your vest says Search Dog....."

Great, I just met Stephen Bawkins. Then I heard some howling, and I turned around and saw a little yapper sitting on top of a green high chair. He was wearing a crown and had a banner proclaiming him to be King. Great. I didn't know we were in a foreign country. "Hey! King!" I barked, "Have you seen my sister?"

The monarch just looked over my head. Maybe he was deaf. "Benevolent Rex, I roll over in your majesty. I quiver at your glory. Have you seen my freakin' sister?" I inquired.

"I'm so confused........" said the King. He must have been a one term congressman from Illinois. Daddy started talking to a human, and even though I was very concerned about Cassie lost in a banana republic with a confused head of state, I decided that maybe the best thing to do was to lay down and let Daddy talk to the humans about it. I put a paw on his foot just to make sure I didn't lose him too. Of course, I had him on a leash, but I needed to be careful. Those humans are squirrely. They slip out of leashes all the time and leave you tied up. I was awfully tired and hot and getting queasy, and then I began to smell my sister!

I looked behind me and there was that squiggly wiggly stinky winky curly girly yellow dog! I was so happy I almost peed on the pavement! I jumped up and licked her on the face and sniffed her ears and I told her to never do that to me again. If it wasn't for Daddy........ Nah, Daddy was still talking to the human.

Everyone was excited that I had found Cassie. Music started playing, all the dogs started howling and barking, and we started a parade! As I walked the parade route with Cassie, I was so proud of her. I went from side to side telling people thank you for getting my sister back to me. A lot of them were squealing "Search dog, search dog," but I just kept expressing my gratitude and wagging my tail. This might be a weird country with a confused emperor, but the people were nice. Then they started yelling "Throw me something Mister!" and I looked back at Daddy.

"Don't you dare throw a ball," I told him. "My sister will run off again!



Anonymous Mim said...

Yeah, she better be on watch for the foreign boogey-cats too!!!!

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Travlin said...

I love these Ilsa stories.

11:03 PM  
Blogger stbaguley said...

I read the story to Nick (who resembles Cassie on many levels)He wants a sister like Ilsa to worry about him too. He does see alot of Sheriff Underfoot a bossy WeinerBeagle who hasn't yet noticed that Nick is 4 times bigger than he is, or maybe he has and doesn't like it. They have come to terms now that Sheriff knows he has no traction in the deep snow (high centered and hung up pretty much right away) and Nick goes like a deer. St. Patrick's Parades are coming soon. Nick wants to go he says he won't get lost.

7:57 AM  

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